http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ethnic_Cleansing_(computer_game)

Somewhere, up above, God must be looking at this game and quietly wishing he never created the South.

I was on Wikipedia today (the best way to kill an hour without taking your pants off) and found out that some backwards, cousin fucking Neo Nazis have actually taken the time, effort, and money to create a game called "Ethnic Cleansing." I'm dead fucking serious.

At one point some manufacturer thought "Yeah, that sounds like a good idea." In the game you play as either a Klansman or a Neo Nazis and you spend the whole game murdering Jews, Blacks, Mexicans, and any other groups that aren't white or Christian. The game portrays and voices the "enemies" in stereotyped or insulting manners (e.g. Latinos wear a sombrero, Jews are depicted as gun-wielding rabbis etc.) and the backgrounds themselves represent a dystopian world supposedly "ruled by Jews and their henchmen", according to the game's creators. And guess who is the final boss? Wario? Nope. Those weird fucking aliens from Halo? Wrong. The ghosts from Pac-Man? Sorry, but no cigar. The main boss is Ariel Sharon, the former Prime Minister of Israel, who is directing plans for world domination. The player must kill Sharon to win the game.

WHAT THE FUCK?!? They actually allow shit like this to be made? This crap gets to be produced, but I still have to wait for a third Ghostbusters movie? BULLSHIT! No other word describes this other then bullshit. This is the kinda stuff that just makes me sigh and hang my head low.

Maybe now they'll make my game. In it you play someone who understands and respects other people and cultures but one day you get stuck in an evil place known as "The South" where there are all these white people who want to kill you for being different. It'll be "Pac-Man" meets "Halo" meets "Mortal Kombat" except with tens times more full frontal nudity.

Speaking of nudity I also discovered two old Atari "sex" games. One of them is called "Beat 'Em & Eat 'Em." In that one you play a naked woman whose sole purpose is to catch sperm after a guy beats off from a rooftop.

Oh…It's times like this I wish I still had an Atari (man, sarcasm is hard to do over the internet.) A more disturbing game of this sort is called "Custer's Revenge" in which you play General Custer and spend the whole time trying to rape an Indian woman. Which is actually pretty confusing when you think about. I had heard from a message board that some poor sap bought the game (sans the box) believing it to be a War game instead to be treated to a creepy old dude with an erection. Walking in on a creepy old dude with an erection reminds me of [INSERT YOUR OWN DICK JOKE HERE]

So I beg of you, please PLEASE don't play these games! If you play these games they'll only make more...and nobody wants that.

-Suggests drawing names this year for Christmas gift exchange

-Dying for your sins

-Fastball few batters can touch

-Has learned to recognize the first signs of choking

-Water into wine

-Attends matinees rather than evening performances

-Last season's goals-against average: 1.36

-Cuts his own hair (but not that often)

-Cuts his apostles' hair (but not that often)

-Command-S


Taken from Mountain Man Dance Moves: The McSweeney's Book of Lists

You know those websites that are devoted to taking pictures of funny or misspelled signs? In case you don't, go here. It may make you laugh.

http://www.funnysign.com/

http://viewingcorners.com/humor/ten-funny-misspelled-signs-around

I'm not too good with image posting, so i'll just give you the links.

So now that we have established that these sites exist, and where they are located, let me get to my point.

My boss is kind of an idiot.

Though this seems unrelated...it's most definitely not.

My boss is the kind of guy who thinks that everyone around him is of lesser intelligence than him. He did have 12 years of schooling after all, and now all he does is run the theater that his dad left him. But at least he can say he is a doctor...and believe me, he does.

So why exactly is Dr. Dave Kinney such an idiot.

Let me show you.

Due to my fellow employees and I's lack of intelligence, signs need to be posted everywhere to remind us what to do. Here are a few examples.

Look at them and you will know what I'm talking about. His grammar is as good as his spelling.

See how many mistakes you can find... No prizes for who finds the most!!!! 


p.s. sorry If I break the internets with the pictures. I'm at work, so I'm doing the best I can....lo siento.

If I may quote Abraham Lincoln..."Let's end this bitch."

(No pictures this week, they weren't working)

4. The Replacements
Seen on: Fall 2000

Never had much luck on dates during middle school. Hell same goes for high school but this one is particularly miserable. On a double date to see this Keanu Reeves classic I just so happened to be battling food poison at the same time. So while the other couple where  holding hands, making out, basically having the time of their lives; I was throwing up every five minutes. Suffice to say I didn't get a kiss or a second date but it's not all bad. She's now an 18 year old drop out with a baby and another that's on the way. Sometimes fate works in your favor.

3. Kingdom of Heaven
Seen on: May 6, 2005

Any person with common sense knows that an ordinary Ford Taurus can only hold four people. But being high school boys automatically means you don't have common sense. It started off with just me and a guy named Brandon wanting to see this movie on a Friday night. But when some of my other friends caught whiff of this they wanted in too. We agreed to this before realizing that we ended up inviting four more people. Two plus four equals six which is two more then the car can hold. You know what else that equals? ONE FUCKING UNCOMFORTABLE CAR RIDE!

Look, I just wanted to get my fill of Ridley Scott, not ride around town in a fucking clown car! The movie wasn't that bad but it's hard to focus on what you've just seen when you have two three hundred pound fat guys sandwiching you the back of a shitty car! All because we wanted to save some gas. Tsk tsk.

2. Attack of the Clones
Seen on: May 18, 2002

After getting some work done on my eyes the doc had one simple request: "Wear these sunglasses and avoid really bright lights for the next couple of days." That's all and good but the new Star Wars was out and there was no way I could turn down my friends. We made it a tradition to go to see every new one that came out and I couldn't ruin that. So I saw it and I regret doing so ever since. After about twenty minutes of the bright lights and colors I started seeing spots. You know what I'm talking about, it's those things you see if you look at a light too long. They're fucking horrible! They don't go away, they make you nauseous, and they block a good portion of your vision.

So I'm sick and really can't see much of the movie yet I can't leave. My buddy's mom drove us here so we have to wait for her. So I stick it out for the next two hours. I felt so sick and miserable. The worst part was that I had been waiting for this movie for a good long while and it couldn't enjoy any of it. So please, don't end up like me...LISTEN TO THE DAMN EYE DOCTOR!!!

1. Scary Movie 2
Seen on: July 12, 2001

Don't be an asshole. Especially to people who can easily get you back. I made that mistake once of pulling a prank on one of my friends, Nick Miles. I really don't want to talk about it that much. It's just so damn disgusting and so embarrassing. So I'll give you the short version: After the prank we went to see this movie. During the movie I ran out of coke and Nick volunteered to get me a refill. BIG MISTAKE!!! So he got me back by peeing a little in my cup and then filling it up with coke. Yep, that's right. He made me drink his pee.

And I know you're all probably disgusted but this is a countdown of the WORST Theater Experiences, not GREATEST Theater Experiences. And I debated for weeks if I should include this but I had to be honest. This was the WORST MOVIE THEATER EXPERIENCE EVER! So bad that I didn't even talk to this fucking guy for the next three years! So bad that I shudder every time this movie comes on Comedy Central! So bad that it had to be number one!

To recap the list:

01. Scary Movie 2
02. Attack of the Clones
03. Kingdom of Heaven
04. The Replacements
05. 300
06. The Flintstones 2
07. Fantastic Four
08. World Trade Center
09. Texas Chainsaw Massacre
10. The Passion of the Christ
11. The Omen
12. Indiana Jones 4
13. Black Sheep
14. The Lost World
15. Juno
16. Starsky and Hutch
17. No Country for Old Men
18. Bewitched
19. The Village
20. Walk the Line

There you go, ladies and gentleman. A one month blog that I was able to milk over the course of three months. For those who kept up, thanks. For those who didn't, I'll try harder next time.

Jesus and I love only a select few of you
Bruce